the significant

via

here's a sad truth about myself... i'm a complainer. i absolutely feel that we are all entitled to our own ways of dealing and what works for me is definitely talking it out. this however, doesn't validate complaining or speaking with reckless abandon. i was reading this a few months ago realized if i could just manage to slow myself down sometimes and re-focus i know i'd see there is not much to complain about. i also have to forgive myself for doing damage if i want to try and repair it. so anyways this my regular "note-to-self" journal entry under the category "do better" love, me

an apology

via

i've become a pretty firm believer in faking it until you make it, but ive also come to learn you can't always make it. you can only play your part. you cannot make someone see it your way, say they are sorry, or change their behavior. you can't make anyone do anything.

you can, on your own, practice acceptance.

this is me learning to accept.

trying to accept:
 what i cannot change
the mistakes i've made
the closure i don't have
 the apologies i never got

and trying to do better.

weight

via

sometimes I feel like I've got all my mistakes/failures/heartaches strapped to my back. (am I alone?) sometimes it gets so heavy it gets hard to move. what to do with all that baggage? the answer is simple I guess, stop carrying it around. 

 this was beautifully worded reminder to forgive myself and others. read it... I bet it will change your heart too.

it gets better with trust

can I start by saying, I know this can be a very sensitive subject. my opinions and comment in this post honestly come from a place of love.

a few months ago I saw this video floating around facebook. I watched it a couple times. I found myself bringing it up in conversation with a lot of my friends, particularly those who are LDS, in the weeks following. after lots of taking/pondering with friends and family my mind has been opened in many ways and I wanted to share my thoughts here.

while I initially felt good things about the fact that these types of conversations among my mormon peers are happening I have to admit I felt some sadness after watching this clip. I think the ultimate goal of this video was to ignite hope, but it left me feeling more the opposite. I was uplifted to hear personal experiences about the peace and joy that comes from accepting yourself and coming to know God, but I couldn't help ask, what next? what do you do after you've accepted yourself... what does you life look like after that...

I couldn't stop thinking about it. then I read this story. it is certainly not the way it works for everyone, but it was incredibly eye opening for me. it is a detailed personal account of a man who is gay and chose to be in a heterosexual marriage. like I said not for everyone, but reading his experience helped me to see that there are answers. there are more approaches than the ones I've experienced or have been taught. I HIGHLY recommend you read his story. if it doesn't inspire you to broaden your outlook, whatever it may be, I'd be very surprised. It helped me see that in many issues, not just sexual orientation, we should keep an open mind to solutions unconsidered.

In church last week, we discussed womanhood/motherhood in relief society (all women's meeting). we were talking about women who are mothers and also have careers. there were many interesting perspectives, but the one that had the greatest impact came from a woman behind me. she said, "we should all just trust each. trust that each of us sisters are doing the best we can and not make anyone's life harder than it already is. we need to just support each other".  (or something like that)

I was so humbled by her comment. and very grateful for it. I know I've been missing opportunities to be supportive. to trust and not judge or make assumptions. in the end it is my our job to love others. if I am really doing that job right there is no room to judge, assume, pity, belittle, condescend, or neglect. I am not perfect and I will continue to make mistakes but I'd rather make mistakes because I gave people too much trust, not too little.

things I learned in clearwater

1. with enough sun screen and determination you can fit into a child's inter-tube

2. I am in actuality the sweatiest person alive

3. doritos + taco bell = <3, why did it take us so long to learn this

4. the abc's and twinkle, twinkle are the same tune (DUH)

5. sometimes people don't want to talk to you, even if you are trying to give them a free inter-tube

6. katy perry can make you cry

7. once there is an opened can of pringles in sight I really cant stop

8. 5am sounds like a good a idea when you are rolling off the couch laughing at old pictures, but it feels like a bad idea the next day

9. tie dye will turn your hands blue for awhile

10. girl time is good for the soul

it was never between you and them

via

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway."

via

{practicing setting myself free from the bonds of "others"}

a modge podge of sorts

this post is a collage of thoughts: last weekend I spent some time with a few girlfriends. (girl time is good for the soul) it's a funny thing making grown-up friends. we only know the grown-up stuff about each other. some of the most important people in my life these days, don't actually know much about the facts of my life prior to living here. the points on the timeline of one's life... birthplace, number of siblings, high school sports played...

 and now the modge-podging begins: anyways, we found ourselves reminiscing (which a series of meg ryan movies can make you do) over lemon and sugar crepes. we recanted bits and pieces of our college experiences to each other with laughter. which brings me to modge-podge phase two:

aw college. a moment of silence for late nights, dances, bonfires, horkley's, the dorms, pranks, sunday games, and trouble making. what a good time we had. when I was getting ready to leave for college my family got together and everyone wrote down one piece of advice. my older brother told me to get to know my professors and study abroad as much as possible. one of my sisters told me to take one fun/interesting class for myself each semester. my 13 going on 30 year old niece told me to date a boy from every state. all good advice. ;) I though it was a little weird how all my siblings talked about "how much fun I would have" and this was going to be "the best time for me" with misty eyes. and now here I am feeling so sentimental about those four years.

phase three: at the beginning of april one of my old roomies, who I met freshman year, came out to NYC for a school trip. it was so good to see her. we took an afternoon stroll through the park talking a mile a minute. somewhere towards the end of our walk ya know what she asked me? "are you happy?" she said, "I just want to know if the people I love are happy."

  which brings me to phase five: lately I have been overwhelmed with gratitude my life. the trails and the blessing that make up my days are not all butterflies and rainbows, but I do feel joy on a daily basis. I know I am loved and I love in return. sometimes I am almost afraid to let myself fully enjoy all the goodness. if I acknowledge how happy I am my good luck might run out and something terrible might happen. but that can't be true, right?

finallly, for my last layer of modge podge: I'll get to what I was originally trying to say when I started writing this post. it meant so much to me that my friend was mindful and sincere enough to ask if I was happy. that is the kind of friend I want to be. a friend who remembers special days, calls to check in, brings comforting words, sends tasty treats, knows how to listen, and prays over the happiness of the people she loves. 

where I am now

for my 10K training I've been running around the reservoir. it reminds me a lot of the pond in hyde park and london naturally. I can't believe it's been four years since I lived there. I am dying for a visit across the pond but, in exchange I will definitely take the views in my neck of the woods. they are pretty breathe-taking. which leads me to thinking about how much time I spend longing for something. I'm trying to pin point what is a healthy amount of wanting that keeps me reaching higher, but not so much so that I can't enjoy the now. I have a friend who begins almost every sentence with "I'll be happy when...." and it pains me that she can't seem to enjoy where she is right now. 

I don't want to miss out on enjoying where I am because I'm thinking about where I have been or could be. 

ya can't win em all...

you really, really can't.

 even though sometimes I swear I know a few people who really do win them all
 (and win them by a landslide without even breaking a sweat)

 but deep down I know the truth...

the sooner you can learn to find the goodness in whatever circumstance you find yourself in the happier you will be.

sometimes I just find it so hard to let go. Its been a long/rough week. I feel drained.
 (the good news about that is I have plenty of ideas on where to get a re-fill)

looking forward to a replenishing weekend