I feel like this right now

too much stuff//too many emotions//too many goodbyes

not enough hands//not enough sleep//not enough time

heaven help me


my most dizzlest

HBD beauty!
i heart you. so glad i was able to see you/meet sweet krew over the holiday.
can't wait to be closer.




+regina george's laptop
+a year in new york
+drops of awesome

a few things that made me laugh, made me cry, & made me think this week.
happy weekend


east to west

"We keep using the analogy of that boyfriend or girlfriend that one loves, one could–in all likelihood–happily be with for years, but can’t see marrying... New York is, in this scenario, my boyfriend. We’re very happy together; I like his friends; he’s smokin’ hot (if sometimes a little too moody); and I’d love to just coast along a little longer, rather than risk missing his company. But there are some things that make me think that ten years down the road, I’d be nagging and nitpicking and wondering if he were really the one (and sadly, it has a little to do with money). So it’s probably better to say goodbye now and end on good terms. It doesn't mean I won’t sometimes wonder “what if?” It doesn't mean I won’t think of him on holidays or that I won’t miss his cooking. And hopefully we’ll stay friends and I’ll visit a lot. Slowly I’ll move on, and in all likelihood I’ll find the one I’m supposed to be with. And who knows? Maybe like those old couples in When Harry Met Sally, we’ll end up together after all those years. But there’s some sort of catalyst (let’s say I’m going to go study abroad for a year) and now seems like the right time to break up...There’s so much to say about all of the complicated feelings we have about such a big adjustment in a year of a lot of change. I’m confident we’re going to be happy (we would be wherever we go as long as we go together) and if you asked for a list of things we’re excited for, we’d have no trouble drawing a long one up. It’s a wonderful place! But right now we find ourselves fixating on a lot of the things we’re going to miss. Our list of things to do for the move, and before the move, seems to grow volumes by the day. But I also want to be sure that we savor these precious few sweet months in the city. I have a feeling we’ll be sharing a lot of last gasps.Break-ups are hard! Pass the ice cream." 
you probably already know, especially if you follow me on insta that we are moving.
in just 7 days i wont live in new york city anymore.
 i have so many mixed feelings. its still too emotional to write about.
 i know this is the right move and im honestly excited about what this next chapter holds, but i will never let go of nyc. jordan thinks when i get back to suburban life i will forget all about nyc, but i know i wont. my thoughtful brother-in-law (a california resident, but real new yorker) sent me this in an email  "Hope the last days go slowly!  My heart is with you.  I know you hate to leave ... but trust me, you never really do." TOO TRUE. I will never really leave.

things i will miss:
my weekly dance class at the gym on cpw
our balcony
late night fairway trips
highline park
our doormen
the reservoir
the food: shake shack, patsy's, thai market, indus valley, tazan, la esquina, viva la crepe, stand, cosi, eataly, sarabeths, bubbys, normas, republic...
the view from my doctors office on cpw
my office building on fifth
pounding the pavement in the park, learning to run
the crisp fall air
autumn leaves
the lights in columbus circle
lincoln center theater
fruit stands
the people everywhere
my cool co-workers
fifth ave tiffany's
steps dance studio
the architecture
the museums
the trees
the diversity
the parks... all the parks

that list could go on forever. i'll probably keep adding to it for the next few days.
ive also been keeping a list of things i will not miss to help ease the pain. its not working, haha.


christmas just the two of us

 here's what christmas looked like at our house this year.
the colors are wonky. tis true. too lazy to fix em. im on a roll with letting things slide right now people.
the "kissing" penguins!
jordan's surfer nut cracker... he was hard to part with when we had to make eliminations for the move.
got this year's advent at the MET (loved it so)
there she is in all her tiny/sparse glory... OUR LITTLE TREE
if jordan's stocking looks more "full" to you than mine thats because I always go overboard haha. somehow we came out pretty even though.
dear target, thank you for making these that bring me so much JOY!
i made about 1 million sugar cookies. we ate about 90% and gave the rest away to friends, neighbors, and the doormen. i love baking, especially holiday baking!
this was just the beginning, i love hanging our holiday cards. i pretty much save them all (yes I know im a hoarder) cant help it. at the end of each year i buy a set of rings like this  i hole punch all the cards in each corner and make a little book of all the cards we've gotten. i whip up a little cover and i'm always glad i have em. one of these days i'll post some of my card books.
jordan loves it when i take pictures of him, clearly.
we cooked dinner (& by we i mean jordan ) its been our tradition (which we've only done twice) to make italian on christmas. a few days before we go to eataly and get fresh pasta, bread, oil/vinegar, sparking sodas, veggies, prosciutto  & whatever else master chef jray thinks we need. its delish! i think we will keep it up.
santa gave jordan a chocolate passport with dark chocolates from all over the world. santa loves TJs too.
clearly, i'm right out of bed
my favorite park of christmas! each year jordan gets me a charm to add to the bracelet he gave me on our first xmas together. its always something that represents our year and its always really special! the idea jordan says is to tell the story of our life and pass it down to our kids :) so sappy & i love it 100%. this year since we were getting ready to leave nyc i planned 12 days of dates for us. i spent approx 17 hours making this ridiculous video card to play for jordan to tell him about it. i realized i was in way over my head about 2 seconds into the process but tried to smash something together by goggling how to instructions about every five minutes. it didnt turn out as fantastic as i had hoped, but i think he liked it anyway. good egg that jordan is.
and thats how we do christmas when its just us two. rays out.



twenty-twelve was certainly a year of growth. my eyes were opened to new perspectives in so many ways. i did things i never thought i could do (sometimes with less grace than would have been preferable) stepping into the new year i want to carry with me all that stuff i learned from 2012 and make new beautiful things for the future. i want to nurture my mind//body//spirit, so im writing down a few thoughts on areas of improvement i want to focus on this year.

mind: money
{smart financial decisions}
i've been thinking a lot about my career as i get ready to leave this job. what shape do i want it took take and what im building for the future. i was surprised by how much satisfaction i get from contributing to my family in a monetary way. i didn't realize how important that was for me. managing money wisely is always important but as we are facing so many possibilities for the future i am anxious to move forward with confidence and a clear mind, knowing we can take some risks if we want to. i likely won't contribute in the capacity i have for the last few years going forward, but i recognize how much i value contributing to our financial success.

body: health
{natural whole foods}
over the holidays jordan and i watched soaked up the apple tv like we usually do on lazy days. this included a few documentaries (i always complain when jordan picks them, but eventually end up finding them really interesting) we watched a few about vegan-ism and modern farming. now i know one documentary doesn't cover the whole subject, but i think its safe to say there are definite issues with legislation and the way we get our food these days. i was inspired to re-think my approach to food. i've got some specific ideas in mind for changes, but i need to do some more research. we are starting by jumping on the blender train. after successfully convincing almost everyone we know to buy a Blendtec for the holidays jordan realized that they only use Vitamix on top chef. haha once we get that settled it will be blending heaven in our house.

spirit: study
{self-reflection and spiritual education}
probably the thing i learned the most from last year was recognizing how much i still have to learn. when i am not expanding my mind and learning/trying new things i can see what a negative impact that has all aspects of my life. in 2013 i want to focus on studying new things. knowledge=power my friends. im setting some goals for my spiritual study and i'm really excited about educating myself.

{the future is as bright as your faith}


december daily

i made it a goal in 2012 to take one picture each day. (sometimes i took a lot more) i wanted to create 365 days of snaps that would be a little visual journal of the year. i'm pretty proud that i can say DONE AND DONE!
1: hat time 2: hurricane sandy clean-up 3: cousin time 4: google hangin out 5: tea @ the plaza with alli 6: first round of toffee 7: ugly sweater 8: holiday parties 9: carrying your heart 10: foggy 11: TJ love 12: returning with honor 13: won first place 14: trying to stay sane 15: finally! 16: xmas colors 17: date night 18: private tour 19: spotted 20: xmas jams from home 21: prop styling 22: swingin 23: mock christmas 24: nyc family 25: merry + bright 26: fresh snow 27: kirkland forever 28: cant get enough 29: date night @ meatball shop 30: heaven 31: hello 2013!


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