it gets better with trust

can I start by saying, I know this can be a very sensitive subject. my opinions and comment in this post honestly come from a place of love.

a few months ago I saw this video floating around facebook. I watched it a couple times. I found myself bringing it up in conversation with a lot of my friends, particularly those who are LDS, in the weeks following. after lots of taking/pondering with friends and family my mind has been opened in many ways and I wanted to share my thoughts here.

while I initially felt good things about the fact that these types of conversations among my mormon peers are happening I have to admit I felt some sadness after watching this clip. I think the ultimate goal of this video was to ignite hope, but it left me feeling more the opposite. I was uplifted to hear personal experiences about the peace and joy that comes from accepting yourself and coming to know God, but I couldn't help ask, what next? what do you do after you've accepted yourself... what does you life look like after that...

I couldn't stop thinking about it. then I read this story. it is certainly not the way it works for everyone, but it was incredibly eye opening for me. it is a detailed personal account of a man who is gay and chose to be in a heterosexual marriage. like I said not for everyone, but reading his experience helped me to see that there are answers. there are more approaches than the ones I've experienced or have been taught. I HIGHLY recommend you read his story. if it doesn't inspire you to broaden your outlook, whatever it may be, I'd be very surprised. It helped me see that in many issues, not just sexual orientation, we should keep an open mind to solutions unconsidered.

In church last week, we discussed womanhood/motherhood in relief society (all women's meeting). we were talking about women who are mothers and also have careers. there were many interesting perspectives, but the one that had the greatest impact came from a woman behind me. she said, "we should all just trust each. trust that each of us sisters are doing the best we can and not make anyone's life harder than it already is. we need to just support each other".  (or something like that)

I was so humbled by her comment. and very grateful for it. I know I've been missing opportunities to be supportive. to trust and not judge or make assumptions. in the end it is my our job to love others. if I am really doing that job right there is no room to judge, assume, pity, belittle, condescend, or neglect. I am not perfect and I will continue to make mistakes but I'd rather make mistakes because I gave people too much trust, not too little.

it was never between you and them

via

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway."

via

{practicing setting myself free from the bonds of "others"}

things I'm afraid to tell you

via

too often I inadvertently find myself in a grueling game of chess with comparison. one minute I feel full of confidence and the next I'm starring down a giant "why not me." check mate. I don't know who it happens, but somehow comparison just sneaks up on me.

*** news alert: just as I was plucking at my keyboard writing away. this post popped up on my reader. one of my favorite blogs creature comforts launched a "things I'm afraid to tell you" campaign:

"Today, in lovely little spaces around the web, a handful of brave and authentic bloggers will be adding their voice to what I hope will become a beautiful chorus of honesty and transparency around blogland...The always-nice that we see on constant display everywhere we look (from blogs to magazines, etc) becomes frustrating because it doesn't really look like how our life looks, right? Instead of visiting a blog and feeling inspired, we quite often leave feeling less than, and like our life can never really match up to what we see."

-Ez at Creature Comforts

 I'm not a big time blogger with a vast dedicated following. it's likely just my mother enjoying most of these posts, but as a good friend reminded me recently, I blog about what is important to me and that is meaningful. I don't claim be on the level of the incredible women who participated in this campaign. I blog for myself, because I like to record my life and because it's therapeutic for me to put my voice out into www. I am inspired by the blogs I read and I enjoy the community I've found here, but I relate to the feeling that constantly viewing all these pretty, seemingly perfect, places around the web can leaving one feeling less. because I felt so inspired by reading what others had to say about it, I decided to share a few of the things I'm afraid to tell you too. the things I'm afraid to admit to.

+ I get lost in my head wondering what people think. 

for example last week I said something silly without thinking to a friend. its likely she thought nothing of it as we went right on with our conversation, but I have not stopped thinking about it since. did I offend her? was it hurtful? does she think I'm an idiot?

+ I am horrible at letting go

see above

+ I am consistently late

I don't mean to be.  I hate to feel I've wasted someone's time when they were waiting on me, but try as I might I am usually late.

+ I usually pick out my outfit for work the night before. most nights it takes a few trys before I find the right one and even then I sometimes change my mind in the morning

trying to manage all of this takes time and effort not to mention navigating all of this

+ I never remember to replace the trash bag when I empty the trash

this has been the fuse for a few "you never... or you always..." arguments in our house

+ I'm an impulsive spender

I have piles of guilt over mis-spendings

+ I'm genuinely surprised every time someone compliments my photography

I enjoy my work, I know I have come a long way, but it always catches me off guard when someone else agrees. 

+ I write letters to the children I will have one day

I've always dreamed of being a mother. since I was young I've felt mothering will be a big part of purpose in this life. as I've started to build a life with the man who will become my partner in parenting I've felt even more passionately it is what I am meant to do.  I know there are many ways to mother, but I ache to think I about missing out on having my own children. that may be an irrational fear since my health has not pointed to that possibility so far, but it's a real fear of mine none the less. after seeing women in my family experience miscarriages I'm come to fear that loss as well. its been comforting to me when I get carried away with those fears to write little love notes to the children I know are waiting for me somewhere.  

+ jordan and I share a pint of cherry garcia at least once a week (usually more)

how badly do I want it? not badly enough I guess.