an apology

via

i've become a pretty firm believer in faking it until you make it, but ive also come to learn you can't always make it. you can only play your part. you cannot make someone see it your way, say they are sorry, or change their behavior. you can't make anyone do anything.

you can, on your own, practice acceptance.

this is me learning to accept.

trying to accept:
 what i cannot change
the mistakes i've made
the closure i don't have
 the apologies i never got

and trying to do better.

faithful in times of calm

via

 when I saw the photo above here this morning. it took my breathe away. I am in awe of the magnitude of this day and the beauty of this world.

I've made a habit of revisiting this article every year around this time. it reminds me of God's presence in my life and inspires to reflect on my relationship with him.

 "Our Father’s commitment to us, His children, is unwavering. Indeed He softens the winters of our lives, but He also brightens our summers. Whether it is the best of times or the worst, He is with us. He has promised us that this will never change."

I cannot imagine life without purpose... divine purpose. to me they are hand in hand. it gives me peace to know that the things that can't be unexplained (good and bad) that happen in this life are not random. there is  purpose a reason to all we experience here guided by the unconditional love of God.

"Destruction allows us to rebuild our lives in the way He teaches us, and to become something different than we were."

this knowledge allows me to carry on through the storms and remain faithful in times of calm. walking into work today watching the city buzz around me made my heart ache. today especially I'm carrying a special prayer for those who are victims of terrorism, discrimination, abuse, and heartache.

{this is an eye opening account from a WTC survivor. it never occurred to me all the work that had to be done to keep companies running ect. I considered about all the reconstruction and searching, but hadn't thought about trying to account for all your employees. or being forced to carrying on like this man was. tears rolled down my cheeks when he spoke of the firefighters who passed him the stair well on the way up. endless amount of gratitude for those brave souls}

a standard of grace

 a dark cloud over my entire healthy 2012 process has been guilt. the guilt I feel over the failures big or small. the guilt I have let become a constant part of my day. the guilt that has clouded my mind and weighed me down.

in the past when the dark and twisty guilt has been working away at my insides I've looked for ways to medicate myself. a bowl of cherry garcia will pacify this scary guilt monster... a night of lazy TV watching will quiet the pain of the guilt fest... surely this new pair of heels will make me feel fabulous again.
don't misunderstand me there is a time and place for these silly simple pleasures, but they are not a treatment plan. I have so poorly medicated my ailments for such a long time. now I am learning how to stop medicating  and start treating. I need to treat that nasty guilt so I can cure it.
the healthy way.

step one: I will recognize that I can not be perfect
there is no point in guilting myself to death after every mistake. mistakes are part of life. I will hold myself to a standard of grace not perfection.
step two: I will set boundaries
when I measure my progress each tiny victory feel amazing. the momentum of my successes moves me forward.
step three: I will give myself credit 
 I can allow myself to enjoy the rewards of my hard work without granting myself permission to overly indulge.
step four: I will not loose sight of the why trying to accomplish the what
forgetting the real reasons for my goals in the fastest way for me to fail.
step five:I will remember I am not alone
I am not the only person out there who is trying to accomplish something and I am not without support.