wrong roads

i always thought going to down the wrong road was all about learning from your mistakes. it never occurred to me that sometimes we are lead down the wrong path so that when we change course we can have confidence in our decision. really comforting.

GOD IS GOOD.

the significant

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here's a sad truth about myself... i'm a complainer. i absolutely feel that we are all entitled to our own ways of dealing and what works for me is definitely talking it out. this however, doesn't validate complaining or speaking with reckless abandon. i was reading this a few months ago realized if i could just manage to slow myself down sometimes and re-focus i know i'd see there is not much to complain about. i also have to forgive myself for doing damage if i want to try and repair it. so anyways this my regular "note-to-self" journal entry under the category "do better" love, me

ok fine...

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maybe i'm a little homesick.

i'm still playing on vacation a little, bit. even though we are having fun here i can't quite feel settled. i'm still allowing myself to think of nyc as home.
& that's ok for now.

tunnels and stuff

i read this awesome article the other day called "light at the end of the tunnel".  its was geared at mom's but it made so much sense to me. the author talks about how we all have "tunnel times" where at least one part of life seems dark and uncertain.

things have come together so well for us, but for the past year... year and a half really there as been a lot of UNCERTAINTY. uncertainty and i dont get along. i like to know where i'm going. 

so the author poses this question:

Every single time I’m in a tunnel (and there have been a lot of them), I ask, “What can I do to receive light in here?”

 as i have tired to practice FAITH NOT FEAR i have always been able to find light! when i find myself going into a dark tunnel of uncertainty i can ask myself, "what can i do to receive light?" i'm trying to remember no matter what seems unresolved or unclear there is always truth and light to found. 

& that's all i have to say about that!

faithful in times of calm

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 when I saw the photo above here this morning. it took my breathe away. I am in awe of the magnitude of this day and the beauty of this world.

I've made a habit of revisiting this article every year around this time. it reminds me of God's presence in my life and inspires to reflect on my relationship with him.

 "Our Father’s commitment to us, His children, is unwavering. Indeed He softens the winters of our lives, but He also brightens our summers. Whether it is the best of times or the worst, He is with us. He has promised us that this will never change."

I cannot imagine life without purpose... divine purpose. to me they are hand in hand. it gives me peace to know that the things that can't be unexplained (good and bad) that happen in this life are not random. there is  purpose a reason to all we experience here guided by the unconditional love of God.

"Destruction allows us to rebuild our lives in the way He teaches us, and to become something different than we were."

this knowledge allows me to carry on through the storms and remain faithful in times of calm. walking into work today watching the city buzz around me made my heart ache. today especially I'm carrying a special prayer for those who are victims of terrorism, discrimination, abuse, and heartache.

{this is an eye opening account from a WTC survivor. it never occurred to me all the work that had to be done to keep companies running ect. I considered about all the reconstruction and searching, but hadn't thought about trying to account for all your employees. or being forced to carrying on like this man was. tears rolled down my cheeks when he spoke of the firefighters who passed him the stair well on the way up. endless amount of gratitude for those brave souls}

weight

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sometimes I feel like I've got all my mistakes/failures/heartaches strapped to my back. (am I alone?) sometimes it gets so heavy it gets hard to move. what to do with all that baggage? the answer is simple I guess, stop carrying it around. 

 this was beautifully worded reminder to forgive myself and others. read it... I bet it will change your heart too.

it gets better with trust

can I start by saying, I know this can be a very sensitive subject. my opinions and comment in this post honestly come from a place of love.

a few months ago I saw this video floating around facebook. I watched it a couple times. I found myself bringing it up in conversation with a lot of my friends, particularly those who are LDS, in the weeks following. after lots of taking/pondering with friends and family my mind has been opened in many ways and I wanted to share my thoughts here.

while I initially felt good things about the fact that these types of conversations among my mormon peers are happening I have to admit I felt some sadness after watching this clip. I think the ultimate goal of this video was to ignite hope, but it left me feeling more the opposite. I was uplifted to hear personal experiences about the peace and joy that comes from accepting yourself and coming to know God, but I couldn't help ask, what next? what do you do after you've accepted yourself... what does you life look like after that...

I couldn't stop thinking about it. then I read this story. it is certainly not the way it works for everyone, but it was incredibly eye opening for me. it is a detailed personal account of a man who is gay and chose to be in a heterosexual marriage. like I said not for everyone, but reading his experience helped me to see that there are answers. there are more approaches than the ones I've experienced or have been taught. I HIGHLY recommend you read his story. if it doesn't inspire you to broaden your outlook, whatever it may be, I'd be very surprised. It helped me see that in many issues, not just sexual orientation, we should keep an open mind to solutions unconsidered.

In church last week, we discussed womanhood/motherhood in relief society (all women's meeting). we were talking about women who are mothers and also have careers. there were many interesting perspectives, but the one that had the greatest impact came from a woman behind me. she said, "we should all just trust each. trust that each of us sisters are doing the best we can and not make anyone's life harder than it already is. we need to just support each other".  (or something like that)

I was so humbled by her comment. and very grateful for it. I know I've been missing opportunities to be supportive. to trust and not judge or make assumptions. in the end it is my our job to love others. if I am really doing that job right there is no room to judge, assume, pity, belittle, condescend, or neglect. I am not perfect and I will continue to make mistakes but I'd rather make mistakes because I gave people too much trust, not too little.

how bad do you want it?

I feel like I need to give my health quest a name… a name and an end date. well, not so much an end date since this is a long term pursuit, but rather a point for evaluation. so I’m calling it healthy 2012 (in honor of J who chants "healthy 2012" every time we go to the gym) and I’m reviewing my first set of goals 3/31/12, which is rapidly approaching. hitting some bumps in the road has caused me to spend a good portion of time asking myself 

HOW BAD DO I WANT IT?

 is it worth: 10 more painful crunches, one less thin mint, a slightly hungry feeling in my stomach?

 the answer has always resoundingly been YES. every time I feel tempted to be lazy I ask myself how badly do I want this and it pushes me. this concept is spilling over and now I find myself approaching everything this way. it's given me somewhat of a new lease on life. I am giving myself permission to control my own choices, to hold only myself responsible for the consequences of my actions. there is no one to blame but myself for failure so it's time to find out what I'm made of. these fitness goals have become a reflection of something much bigger. am I going to be the kind of person who accomplishes what she sets out to do to the best of her ability or am I going to continue skating along never reaching higher?

 this health quest is looking suspiciously like figuring out who I am. 

and I’m liking it.

consistency

sometimes it is so hard to recognize that the small and simple things I am doing will amount to something bigger. its easy to feel as though the life I lead is so small.

small. ordinary. & insignificant.

I am just one teeny me in a world of 7 billion.

but that is just how satan wants me to feel. he wants me to feel tiny, but I know I am not tiny to God. the tiny/simple things I'm doing now will somehow, someday make up something extraordinary.

this is a much needed reminder to myself {and anyone else who might need it}:
YOU ARE NOT SMALL
YOUR SIMPLE ACTS ARE WORTH SOMETHING
YOU CAN BE MORE THAN ORDINARY BY JUST DOING WHAT IS RIGHT BEFORE GOD {CONSISTENTLY}