a dancer's dilemma

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last night I was flipping through glossy vogue pages (i love the way the pages smell) when I came across an article written by a dancer about body image. I wish I could link up to it, but I can't find it online. It's page 280 in the october issue. anyways--- I sincerely related to her words. I spend WAY too much time thinking about my body, my health, and the way I feel about who I am. sometimes I think if I put as much energy into fitness as I wasted thinking about it I'd be in olympic shape. I feel guilt and I've been afraid to try and I really can't avoid training for this anymore, but after reading some of what meg howrey had to say I started to feel something else.

"a compliment had once been paid her that, being repeated to her, gave her greater pleasure that anything she had ever heard. 'A pretty woman?' someone had said. 'Why, her features are very bad.' 'I don't know about her features,' a very discerning observer had answered, 'but she carries her head like a pretty woman.' " The Europeans 

" If I know anything, I know that to do something well means you have to do it a lot. You have to train. You have to absorb technique in order to be able to transcend it. And -  this is important  - you have to forgive yourself for failing to achieve it constantly. You have to take the long view and trust that you will get better, that your understanding will grow, that there is a process to all the things that matter most in life, and that the best things are difficult. Difficult is good. And so I'm practicing. I'm working on it. I am training to remember to carry my head like a pretty woman. And I'm hoping that eventually, this will feel... normal." 

and blogging girl's resolution:

we all know how I love challenges. when I saw this simple one, I was instantly on board. these are the things I am doing to train myself. to encourage my mind and body to reflect the "pretty woman" with her head held high, that I want to be. inside and out!

I knew I could, I knew I could

in case you were missing my relentless commentary on the 10K, here's more! a recap of saturday's events.

(a shoot of central park west jam packed, my bumpin 10K playlist, andrea & I pre-race in columbus circle,  me & my flailing arms crossing the finish line, and some action shots. after the race I downed a huge breakfast, took a sparkly bubble bath, got a mani/pedi and filled the afternoon with bread)

this is the first shot of the day. I got up bright and early, grabbed a gatorade and met andrea at the subway. I was really nervous having never run 6 miles in my life. I know it doesn't seem that far and it really isn't, but it seemed like a nearly insurmountable feat for me. andrea, ever the voice of confidence, assured me I could do it. we rode down to columbus cirlce, made some swedish friends, and then got ready for the race to start.

after 6 something long miles I bounced across that finish line singing defying gravity with a few tears running down my cheeks. my emotional/super red from exhaustion face is extra special.

the first 3 miles I kept up with andrea & marilee and their smooth, swift strides, but after hill number two I had to acknowledge those blue romney shirts were moving forward at a pace I could not sustain. so I ran along on my own trying to think of anything besides, HOW MUCH FURTHER?! when I got to the "800M to go" sign I was about at my limit. I remember my sister telling me how much she loved listening to defying gravity during her half marathon so I clicked to that song. hearing the crowd and seeing the finish line gave me an extra push and I ran hard across the line. I'd be lying if I said this race wasn't incredibly hard for me, but I'm so glad I pushed through. it was wonderful to know I had followed through and that I could do it. I surprised myself so much that I decided to run a half marathon. one step closer to figuring out what I am made of.

girl power!!!!

could not have done it without this cute running mate. she's much faster than me so we didn't get to run together on race day, but she encouraged me through every step of the journey. she even texted me at the end of the race that she was waiting for me at the finish line. I knew on mile one that I would be too disappointed to tell her I had walked... there was nothing to do but keep running.

and so I did. I ran the whole thing! slowly as you can see, but without walking none the less.

NYRR Race Results Member Race History ING New York City Marathon New York City Marathon Archive (1970-2011)		NYRR New York Mini 10K List by Name: Kaitlyn Ray Distance:  6.2 miles, 10 kilometers Date/Time:  June 9, 2012, 8:00 AM Location:  Central Park, NYC Weather:  69 degrees, 55% humidity, wind 5 MPH.

Overall Place	Gender Place	Age Place	Net Time	5K Split	Pace/ Mile	AG Time	AG Gender Place	AG %
4825	4825	1185	1:10:11	0:31:52	11:19	1:10:11	5141	43.23 %

not gonna walk

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there's about to be a lot of "crying" going on. here I come 10K

run run run

racer back tank // capri pants // sports bra // socks // headband // sneaks // backpack

tomorrow I run like I've never run before! while training for this thing I've found that while so far I do in fact still hate running, there is something satisfying about it. I hope that little seedling grows into a love of running and a rockin runners body to match. I'm nurturing that seed with the best attempts at consistency and good gear of course. this is what I'll be racing not walking, but not running fast enough to be a competitor, in this weekend.

one: lulu racer back tank. light, soft, breathable fabric is key for me.
two: have yet to find a sports bra that really offers the support I need, but I love the look and feel of this one so I just double up.
three: I won't actually run in this for the 10K, but I do use it when I run home from work and love it.
four: looks super nerdy... ok is super nerdy, but is such an improvement from an arm band. can stash my phone, keys, and a chapstick in here and it doesn't feel like a thing.
five: I prefer capris for running. loose running shorts are cute, but are just more uncomfortable for me.
six: a good headband is crucial in the summer.
seven: I like NB and nikes. I like light weight with decent support.
eight: the right sock. not to tall, not too low!

I think I can, I think I can...

race day is saturday.

IM SCARED. 

haha

but, no really...

my one and only goal is to keep running the whole time. no walking.

doesn't sound so bad, if you are moving at a snails pace, but I probably would have collapsed if I'd had to do one more mile after last weeks fiver. {Im not a runner}

I'm toast for sure. pray for my survival.

here I come summer...

this plus this

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an everlasting meal

by some great stroke of luck our book club host was able to persuade the author of last month's book (who happens to live in the city) to join us for our discussion. so the lovely tamar adler came to eat and chat with us a few weeks ago. our sweet host also made a fabulous spread using recipes from the book.

everyone enjoyed the food!

this was certainly the most enlightening book club I have ever attended. tamar was so gracious and answered question after question so thoughtfully. I left totally renewed in my efforts to eat and cook smarter/healthier and with the tools to do it. I HIGHLY I repeat highly recommend picking up a copy of her book.

believing

remember when I made a big proclamation about figuring out who I am aka getting super healthy. well 3/31 came and went. my bad. good news is I feel really good about where I'm headed.

my dear friend whitney wrote this post and it reminded me. I AM CAPABLE. somehow I had forgotten that.

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A couple weeks ago I did that on a run. I told myself I was gonna run this particular loop in the park without stopping. It seemed like a really long time for me to go, but I just believed I could do it. I didn't debate with myself about it, I just did. when I was done I felt AMAZING, not so much from the running but from the empowerment I felt. I honestly felt like I had just done a magic trick, just by believing in myself.


{belief makes things real}

a standard of grace

 a dark cloud over my entire healthy 2012 process has been guilt. the guilt I feel over the failures big or small. the guilt I have let become a constant part of my day. the guilt that has clouded my mind and weighed me down.

in the past when the dark and twisty guilt has been working away at my insides I've looked for ways to medicate myself. a bowl of cherry garcia will pacify this scary guilt monster... a night of lazy TV watching will quiet the pain of the guilt fest... surely this new pair of heels will make me feel fabulous again.
don't misunderstand me there is a time and place for these silly simple pleasures, but they are not a treatment plan. I have so poorly medicated my ailments for such a long time. now I am learning how to stop medicating  and start treating. I need to treat that nasty guilt so I can cure it.
the healthy way.

step one: I will recognize that I can not be perfect
there is no point in guilting myself to death after every mistake. mistakes are part of life. I will hold myself to a standard of grace not perfection.
step two: I will set boundaries
when I measure my progress each tiny victory feel amazing. the momentum of my successes moves me forward.
step three: I will give myself credit 
 I can allow myself to enjoy the rewards of my hard work without granting myself permission to overly indulge.
step four: I will not loose sight of the why trying to accomplish the what
forgetting the real reasons for my goals in the fastest way for me to fail.
step five:I will remember I am not alone
I am not the only person out there who is trying to accomplish something and I am not without support.

just doing it

it seems like I am always giving myself a reason to get out of the things I need to be doing. it was a long day at work, that trip to the grocery store was a nightmare,  I'm too tired today... bla bla bla. but the truth of it is: 

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tomorrow is getting really old.
tomorrow is not working.
 TODAY is the new tomorrow.

 today I'm going to do my training even if I don't get home until 9:30pm. today I am going to get to bed before midnight even if it means I skip watching some TV with J after the gym. today I am going to thoroughly wash my face, floss, and say my prayers even if I am in a hurry to get to the bed, and today I am going to do better than I did yesterday, because today is really all I have!

I took this last week after I went to a fun dance class, but then made myself do my 10K training when I got home. seriously I felt so proud of myself after just doing it that one small victory carried me the rest of the week through of my healthy 2012 plan. so even if there seems like plenty of reasons to let myself off the hook just this time I'm going to stick to it. I'm going to JUST DO IT no matter what.

here we go

I did very brave thing for myself and registered for the ny mini women's 10K in central park. the thought of running for any extended period of time greater than 15 minutes straight terrifies me. I mean I feel like curling up in a ball under my desk just thinking about it, but I'm running with a group of girlfriends in support of mitt romney so at least I have a cause I believe in and good friends behind me. I'm also kind of excited about doing something that is totally foreign to me (even if it is as terrible as running). these wimpy legs have never ever run 6 miles so it's kinda fun to think I'm going feel something totally new. like I said before, I'm on a quest to see what I'm made of. so next week is week one of this training program. I'll probably break it up a bit since I have some more time before the race and I have wimpy legs. 

wish me luck!

how bad do you want it?

I feel like I need to give my health quest a name… a name and an end date. well, not so much an end date since this is a long term pursuit, but rather a point for evaluation. so I’m calling it healthy 2012 (in honor of J who chants "healthy 2012" every time we go to the gym) and I’m reviewing my first set of goals 3/31/12, which is rapidly approaching. hitting some bumps in the road has caused me to spend a good portion of time asking myself 

HOW BAD DO I WANT IT?

 is it worth: 10 more painful crunches, one less thin mint, a slightly hungry feeling in my stomach?

 the answer has always resoundingly been YES. every time I feel tempted to be lazy I ask myself how badly do I want this and it pushes me. this concept is spilling over and now I find myself approaching everything this way. it's given me somewhat of a new lease on life. I am giving myself permission to control my own choices, to hold only myself responsible for the consequences of my actions. there is no one to blame but myself for failure so it's time to find out what I'm made of. these fitness goals have become a reflection of something much bigger. am I going to be the kind of person who accomplishes what she sets out to do to the best of her ability or am I going to continue skating along never reaching higher?

 this health quest is looking suspiciously like figuring out who I am. 

and I’m liking it.