too often I inadvertently find myself in a grueling game of chess with comparison. one minute I feel full of confidence and the next I'm starring down a giant "why not me." check mate. I don't know who it happens, but somehow comparison just sneaks up on me.
*** news alert: just as I was plucking at my keyboard writing away. this post popped up on my reader. one of my favorite blogs creature comforts launched a "things I'm afraid to tell you" campaign:
"Today, in lovely little spaces around the web, a handful of brave and authentic bloggers will be adding their voice to what I hope will become a beautiful chorus of honesty and transparency around blogland...The always-nice that we see on constant display everywhere we look (from blogs to magazines, etc) becomes frustrating because it doesn't really look like how our life looks, right? Instead of visiting a blog and feeling inspired, we quite often leave feeling less than, and like our life can never really match up to what we see."
-Ez at Creature Comforts
I'm not a big time blogger with a vast dedicated following. it's likely just my mother enjoying most of these posts, but as a good friend reminded me recently, I blog about what is important to me and that is meaningful. I don't claim be on the level of the incredible women who participated in this campaign. I blog for myself, because I like to record my life and because it's therapeutic for me to put my voice out into www. I am inspired by the blogs I read and I enjoy the community I've found here, but I relate to the feeling that constantly viewing all these pretty, seemingly perfect, places around the web can leaving one feeling less. because I felt so inspired by reading what others had to say about it, I decided to share a few of the things I'm afraid to tell you too. the things I'm afraid to admit to.
+ I get lost in my head wondering what people think.
for example last week I said something silly without thinking to a friend. its likely she thought nothing of it as we went right on with our conversation, but I have not stopped thinking about it since. did I offend her? was it hurtful? does she think I'm an idiot?
+ I am horrible at letting go
+ I am consistently late
I don't mean to be. I hate to feel I've wasted someone's time when they were waiting on me, but try as I might I am usually late.
+ I usually pick out my outfit for work the night before. most nights it takes a few trys before I find the right one and even then I sometimes change my mind in the morning
+ I never remember to replace the trash bag when I empty the trash
this has been the fuse for a few "you never... or you always..." arguments in our house
+ I'm an impulsive spender
I have piles of guilt over mis-spendings
+ I'm genuinely surprised every time someone compliments my photography
I enjoy my work, I know I have come a long way, but it always catches me off guard when someone else agrees.
+ I write letters to the children I will have one day
I've always dreamed of being a mother. since I was young I've felt mothering will be a big part of purpose in this life. as I've started to build a life with the man who will become my partner in parenting I've felt even more passionately it is what I am meant to do. I know there are many ways to mother, but I ache to think I about missing out on having my own children. that may be an irrational fear since my health has not pointed to that possibility so far, but it's a real fear of mine none the less. after seeing women in my family experience miscarriages I'm come to fear that loss as well. its been comforting to me when I get carried away with those fears to write little love notes to the children I know are waiting for me somewhere.
+ jordan and I share a pint of cherry garcia at least once a week (usually more)
how badly do I want it? not badly enough I guess.